I promise to retire if I don't have a winning record this week.
BYU 37, Boise State 34 - Blue turf is a sin.
Texas A&M 45, Vanderbilt 24 - Wouldn't it be ironic if Johnny Manziel was drafted by the New Orleans Saints?
Alabama 42, Tennessee 0 - 'Bama's defense is playing soccer, their offense is playing basketball, and their coach is playing gin rummy with Satan.
Florida State 54, NC State 21 - In other words, the Tide will be tough to beat.
Texas Tech 25, Oklahoma 22 - After giving up a game winning field goal to the Red Raiders, Mike and Bob Stoops become Red-Faced Raiders.
West Virginia 14, Kansas State 13 - You don't need to make a statue of Bill Snyder, he already is a statue.
Notre Dame 34, Air Force 21 - The Irish wish they had an air force, but a ground force will suffice in this one.
Oregon 54, UCLA 31 - Nick Alliotti collapses when Jim Mora has Brett Hundley on the field to start the fourth quarter, and the Ducks defense responds with a game-clinching pick-six.
Missouri 34, South Carolina 31 - The Gamecocks are placed at a tactical disadvantage when Steve Spurrier uses all his timeouts deciding whether to call heads or tails on the opening coin-toss, and South Carolina never recovers.
Texas 34, TCU 20 - A small puddle forms around Horned Frogs coach Gary Patterson, and Mack Brown takes his house in Austin off the market.
Ohio State 48, Penn State 14 - What is a Nittany Lion, anyway? I Googled it and I still can't figure it out.
Stanford 32, Oregon State 28 - Sean Mannion's arm falls off in overtime after throwing 154 passes, and Stanford pulls it out of the fire.